Defeat

Today brought on a massive feeling of utter defeat.

Back in January, I completely went off my migraine medicine. In March, I went off my birth control. I stopped taking as many pain relievers as I could. I gave up my allergy pills. I started taking prenatal vitamins. All of this in hopes that I would prepare my body for pregnancy and get rid of any of the crap I had been taking in pill form for multiple years.

Then I had a miscarriage. But I still marched on and figured I would continue with the prenatals and still stay away from everything else.

Then I talked to my doctor today. I posted before that I was going to see my rheumatologist again due to some weird pains I had been having and the fact that she had been keeping an eye on my blood work for possible symptoms of Lupus. And since women with Lupus can have a tendency to miscarry, I wanted to go talk to her now more then ever. Well, she said the blood results came back and there were a host of things that came back negative, but she did say that my thyroid was a bit high and that my ANA levels were still positive. Positive ANA levels are an indication of some sort of auto-immune disease.

She can’t really say for sure right now what exactly is going on. But I felt my heart hit the floor when she told me that I definitely have something and she wants to put me on medicine to try and regulate it. Although she assures me that the medicine is safe to take while I’m pregnant (if that happens anytime in the future), it scares me. The whole point of me not taking any medication was so that my body would be ready for a baby. And now she wants to feed more medicine into me. But who knows? I could take this medicine, regulate my antibodies and go on to be happy, healthy and carry a baby. However, being the pessimist that I am at this point in time, I can only help but think that I’m doomed to a life of medication and no children.

I don’t want to be on medicine forever. I don’t want to be dependent on some drug. I want to go back to five years ago and never have to go to the doctor for any of this in the first place.

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Slacker

I know I said I was going to post more. I also said I was going to post Pinterest tests more. I also said that I was dieting. Well, I’m apparently a full-blown liar.

I’ve actually been pretty busy at work trying to catch up all sorts of past “issues” and so I haven’t had any time to get on and post. And when I get home, the last thing I want to do is sit down in front of a computer!

As for the Pinterest tests, the majority of ones that I was testing were all recipes. And they were not good for you recipes. So, since hubby and I have been embarking on our diet extravaganza again (starting this past Monday), I unfortunately do not have a lot of testing going on. However, I am going to be making a side dish with spaghetti squash that I found on Pinterest, so I can put that one up. It’s supposed to be healthy so it fits my promise to post and it fits the diet!

What’s been going on with me lately? Well, I’ve been sort of up and down the last couple of weeks. Ever since we got back from Chicago, I’ve been eating everything in sight, so I’ve been feeling very down about my body and none of my clothes fit. They didn’t fit before, but for some reason it’s just really been hitting home these last couple weeks. Then hubby’s family was in town, so we were out eating every other night and drinking and doing everything to make me feel like a fat slob. On top of that, we have been cleared to TTC again. We were supposed to wait one cycle after I miscarried before we started trying. Cycle came and went, so we jumped back in. The whole thought of conceiving again makes me scared out of my mind – I really want a baby (I had no idea how much, until we lost the one we had) but what if I have another miscarriage? What if there is something totally wrong with me and I can’t carry a baby at all? DH inisists that if it doesn’t happen, no worries – we will just become that childless couple who spends our money on traveling instead of a child. But I know he would be so incredibly bummed. So would I. The only thing we can do is give it a shot and hope that something positive comes of it!

To add to my fears about getting pregnant again, I started having really weird pains in my right ribcage the other night. They were seriously hurting me – it felt like someone was stabbing me every time I moved or breathed. The the pain started moving to my right arm and up to my shoulder. The pain in my ribcage finally subsided (I still feel a twinge now and then) but the pain in my shoulder is still there and is super intense. Not only does it feel like I’m being stabbed, but it’s a burning feeling at the same time. Oh, and after lunch yesterday, I got massive cramps and shooting pains across my upper abdomen. Seriously, what is my body trying to tell me???

Well, I asked hubby’s mom about my ribcage/arm/shoulder pain (she’s a nurse) and she said that it sounded like something called Chostochondritis – inflammation of the rib cage. So I Googled it (bad idea) and upon reading that, discovered that I most likely have Tietze’s Syndrome: a rare, inflammatory disorder characterized by chest pain and swelling of the cartilage of one or more of the upper ribs (costochondral junction). Onset of pain may be gradual or sudden and may spread to affect the arms and/or shoulders. It says that it is considered a benign syndrome and normally cures itself without treatment. No known cause. Super!!

While reading all my possible symptoms and how to treat it and what causes it (because I can’t just let sleeping dogs lie), I discovered a link regarding Lupus symptoms. 

A little backstory here… about 5 years ago, I was losing a lot of hair. I went to the dermatologist and after taking a chunk of my scalp, they came back with a diagnosis: scarring Alopecia. Meaning, I could potentially lose all my hair and unlike regular Alopecia, mine wouldn’t grow back because the follicle would scab over after the hair fell out.  On top of that, Alopecia is a symptom of Lupus, so they wanted me to go see a rheumatologist to get tested for that. After panicking (not only that I would lose my hair, but that I undoubtedly had some immune disease) I made the appointment for the rheumatologist. Test came back with a high level of ANA in my blood, but other than that I appeared to be fine. I was supposed to go every 6 months for blood work to monitor what was going on. I slacked off and haven’t been there in about a year and half.

Back to the link on the Google site: I discovered that if you have Lupus you actually have a greater chance of miscarrying. And if you have Lupus, you should be monitored throughout your whole pregnancy to lessen the chance of miscarrying. Of course, I flipped out when I read that. What if I have Lupus but don’t know it because I stopped going to the doctor? What if that’s what caused my miscarriage? I immediately called and made an appointment to get blood work done and talk to the doctor about everything that’s happened. DH and I are trying again and I don’t want this to be a possible factor of not carrying a baby to term.

Sorry this post was so long! Congrats if you’re still reading 🙂 – I just had a lot going on lately and wanted to catch up on what had been happening.

I’m also toying with the idea of posting my blog out there for the world to see – trying to decide if I’m ready for everyone to know what I’ve been going through.