Today brought on a massive feeling of utter defeat.

Back in January, I completely went off my migraine medicine. In March, I went off my birth control. I stopped taking as many pain relievers as I could. I gave up my allergy pills. I started taking prenatal vitamins. All of this in hopes that I would prepare my body for pregnancy and get rid of any of the crap I had been taking in pill form for multiple years.

Then I had a miscarriage. But I still marched on and figured I would continue with the prenatals and still stay away from everything else.

Then I talked to my doctor today. I posted before that I was going to see my rheumatologist again due to some weird pains I had been having and the fact that she had been keeping an eye on my blood work for possible symptoms of Lupus. And since women with Lupus can have a tendency to miscarry, I wanted to go talk to her now more then ever. Well, she said the blood results came back and there were a host of things that came back negative, but she did say that my thyroid was a bit high and that my ANA levels were still positive. Positive ANA levels are an indication of some sort of auto-immune disease.

She can’t really say for sure right now what exactly is going on. But I felt my heart hit the floor when she told me that I definitely have something and she wants to put me on medicine to try and regulate it. Although she assures me that the medicine is safe to take while I’m pregnant (if that happens anytime in the future), it scares me. The whole point of me not taking any medication was so that my body would be ready for a baby. And now she wants to feed more medicine into me. But who knows? I could take this medicine, regulate my antibodies and go on to be happy, healthy and carry a baby. However, being the pessimist that I am at this point in time, I can only help but think that I’m doomed to a life of medication and no children.

I don’t want to be on medicine forever. I don’t want to be dependent on some drug. I want to go back to five years ago and never have to go to the doctor for any of this in the first place.


One thought on “Defeat

  1. I wish I had known that I had lupus when I was carrying my children, but went through their pregnancies without diagnosed or treated lupus. Talk to your doctor about your fears, but don’t assume its necessary to be medication free to have a successful healthy pregnancy. I have two beautiful grown children and four grandchildren. Healthy on drugs is better for baby than sick without drugs! Many women are having successful babies with lupus!

    Check out my blog post about this at this short link –, Prognosis and Hope: Lupus Fact #29 – Pregnancy successes with lupus

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